I Am More Than a Teacher

I deal with an enormous amount of guilt around in my life and in my teaching. I never feel good enough in the classroom and feel guilty for things that are out of my control or that aren't bad things. It is something I am trying to deal with. Some of reading I've been doing recently has made me realize two things about my guilt.

First, I take on too much responsibility. It is very easy to dedicate my entire life to my students and do things that aren't necessary or that my students can do for themselves. I carry around a lot of "shoulds" that don't matter in the long run. I read an article recently that discussed the need for a work life balance. It advises that teachers take the time to rest, that we let go of perfectionism and place responsibility on students instead of doing all the work for them. It is a great article and it made me realize something else.

I define myself by relationships with others. When asked to describe myself, I list my relationships: teacher, wife, daughter, sister. I used to have a stronger sense of self but I've lost some of that as I've started to define myself as a teacher. I'm losing things I love. I love theatre but all the theatre stuff I do now is for my students not for myself. I love to read but all my recent reading has been about teaching. I'm a feminist but I've dropped off in my involvement. I love to write but all my writing has been focused on my students. I started to enjoy cooking after I got married but recently it has just felt like a burden and something I don't have time for. I'm losing myself and defining myself solely in my relationships with others. That needs to change. I can't define myself just by other people. I've continued reading Codependent No More and so much of it hits home. As a teacher I've been putting my needs last and it has been making me anxious and unhappy. I need to be okay with taking time for me and making sure I get what I need. My students can't be my whole life. My family can't be my whole life. I am more than my relationships. So while I work on improving my teaching it can't be all that I do.