I Can't Do Any More Than I Am Doing

Had a student/parent meeting today with the student who got suspended for bullying. She said she didn't feel like I liked her, that she and the rest of my advanced class consider me unapproachable, and she thinks I was bad-mouthing her. Never mind that we have already had these conversations and I've tried to explain myself. Never mind that I've already apologized. Nothing I do will change how she feels. And I need to stop taking responsibility for how she feels. I have not tried to hurt her, I have not done what she thinks I have. I have apologized and explained myself. There is nothing more I can do.

I cried on the phone to my sister today after the meeting. I am doing everything in my power to be a good teacher. I am constantly analyzing and over-analyzing and stressing over everything I do. I can't do anything more. And I'm tired of feeling like that isn't good enough. I'm tired of feeling like crap because I'm not what my students expect me to be. I am who I am. I am an introvert. I am intense. I have high expectations. I love theatre in my way. I have things to offer my students that other teachers don't. I am not the extroverted, warm-fuzzy, easy-going drama teacher. I am the introverted, passionate, hard-core drama teacher. And I can't keep feeling like that is bad, like it isn't enough, like a failure. I will continue to improve my teaching because it matters to me. But I won't feel guilty for who I am. If my students don't like, that is fine. I'm done trying to twist and warp myself into my opposite to please them. I'm done feeling guilty because they have unreasonable expectations. I will do my best and that will be enough. I am not responsible to be everything for my students. I am not responsible for their feelings after I have tried to make amends.

I can't worry about issues I don't know about. If my students refuse to talk to me about things they want me to change I can't deal with the problem. Instead of worrying about what they might be saying or the rumors I hear, I will only deal with concerns that are brought to my attention. Anything else is not worthy my worry or my time. If they can't bring it up, then they can't expect me to deal with it.

I'm tired. I'm tired of worrying about everyone's feelings. I'm tired of constantly feeling guilty and unworthy. I can't keep functioning like this. I can't take responsibility for everyone's feelings. I can't be the opposite of who I am. Who I am is good enough. And this is the end of it. I'm done with the drama. I'm done with "shoulds." I am a good teacher and it is okay to feel that way even as I work to improve. I like my intensity, i like my passion, I like my seriousness. If they don't, they don't need to be in the class.